saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
