And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You're a waste of cheezeits
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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