I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
