She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
