you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
