Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
