seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
