I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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