Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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