I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
