He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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