Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
