so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
