she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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