Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
