I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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