There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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