my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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