I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
