OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I CAN MOONWALK!
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
