If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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