I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
