I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
