i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
