My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
