I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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