Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
