I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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