I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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