so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
