why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
i think i just naturally attract stoners
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
