dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
