i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
