I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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