Dude my mom stole all your condoms
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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