Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
