Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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