I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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