I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
