I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
