At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
