dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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