OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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