Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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