i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
They took my balls.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
