dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
