Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
