i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
