Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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