just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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