I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
